Kraft Dinner's Journal

...Even the longest journey begins with a single step
I wrote the title, removed the "...", then I thought about my own writing style, and decided my first post needed to start with "...".

Now that the easy part has been done. I've signed up for this account, and basically sat around reading for a while, trying to decide what to use this for... To anyone reading this, expect random thoughts and mainly, me trying to figure out why I am me... not in a philosophical way... but more in an attempt to be able to spot problems in my life, and find ways to improve upon them...

Hrmm... I use "..." way to much....

As I sit here tonight, I am very confused and discontent. Actually I'm confused at being discontent. I finally have a job, where I'm not required to do the same mundane task repetitively, and now I find myself looking for other opportunities. Even looking backwards, to see if maybe I stepped up at the wrong time, or in the wrong direction. I sit at home, thinking about how I can improve my motivation at work to actually do the work they expect me to complete. Monitor, monitor, monitor.... Truth be told it is definitely my weakest area. And I know that, and I avoid it. I really need to make it the second agenda on my daily list of items, and I need to give it more priority in my mind. I need to be successful at what I do to make myself happy.

Then I read another article where I see them dismiss the poor support and simply say they will fix it by, "...having local support. Support for Americans by Americans.". I try not to think about that, or what that may lead to. What I think it will lead to. I have become to used to the idea of things the way they are, and I am not liking the change I am seeing.

I look at the other agents around me, and I see malcontent, low motivation, a general feeling of, "Why should I bother? They'll change it again next week." I look at my supposed role models, aggravated by the same changes, and other changes in their professional life, and I see a frantic scrambling. They all seem to be looking for a way out, somewhere else to go. And I feel that is only partially motivated by the changes that are coming... I feel the rest of it is a worry about the future changes that may come.

I then think of my own performance over the last few months since I've taken my new position. I remember when I was sitting in the cubicles making fun of the SDP's. I also 'evaluating' them from my seat. I wonder what they agents think of me? I suspect I've become a rule monger. I see the rules, and feel they should be enforced strictly at all times, and that it is my duty to find those who are not following this.

I remember all to well the last person I think of who did this. I am also aware people still occasionally discuss him, and they do not do it positively. While I know I can not be a friend to all the agents, and that they usually present at least a facade of respect when they are around me... I wonder, what do they say about me once I'm out of earshot? What do they honestly think?

I can't believe I've come to this!!?!? Am I honestly worried so much about what people may be thinking of me that I'm wanting out of the spotlight? I love the spotlight! I want to shine!!!

Well, that’s something for me to think about over the next few days.

I hate to say that I’m looking forward to having millions of people in turmoil about e-mail, but I’m hoping it’ll result in some great OT for me again. This is one helluva tough year. The wedding, and honeymoon expenses, then no job for Tara through the year…. I’m being greedy again, I have her, and I love her, and really we have two cars, we’re making house payments, we’re not starving, heck we have a hundred TV channels, and this net connection. Sure I haven’t been able to upgrade either computer, but we’re far from destitute.

To end on a good note, my next check will have some stat pay, some OT, and should like nice. In addition to that Tara told me tonight that she’s got a spot sub’ing all week. It’ll be a busy strange week, her working all days, and a couple nights, and me working mid’s, but we’ll get through it fine!

I must now stop… I’m starting to give myself a pep talk, and that just can not be a good thing.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: The Swingle Singers - Fiddler on the Roof

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